I woke at 5 am in a cold sweat. The enormity of what I’m doing hit me like a freight train, and for a couple of hours, I mentally ran in circles.
I have become a manager; with no training and very little experience. I have to hire, train, and pay several people, and if I don’t do a good job, Becky will suffer. She will suffer financially as the funding will be pulled, and she will suffer at the hands of incompetent or inexperienced workers.
Hiring people takes time; a lot of time. I’m not hiring 9-5, here; the hours are all over the place. It has taken me about a month to find and train one person. At that rate, it will take me till August to hire everyone. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but I realize now, that it is. If we don’t use the money, it will be taken away. It will be near impossible to use up six months of banked funding, so what the hell am I going to do?! Hence the panic attack in the wee hours.
I’m also struggling with the paperwork. When was the last time you had to write a confidentiality agreement or an employment contract? I’ve organized schedules and time sheets before, but they have been for one person and for a maximum of 4 hours a week. I didn’t even have to pay them; it was somebody else’s job. Not only that, but I’m really starting to feel the separation from Becky, and it hurts. The more people I hire, the further she moves away. Gulp.
So, naturally I’ve decided to do what every insane person would do, and jump into the deep end. If I don’t face my fears, I am doing a disservice to my beloved daughter. I would rather face the unknown than failure. The plan for the day then; hire more people, now. I cannot and will not wait until I feel comfortable. Becky is fine with all this, it’s me that’s dragging my arse. I think the panic attack was the kick I needed. “Onward and Forward” is part of the motto for the City of Birmingham (my home town). It’s not a city that has stood still. It was once known as the “City of a Thousand Trades”, but it was ravaged in the seventies under privatization. Factories closed and unemployment was high, but it has reinvented itself. It is a city that now hosts Presidents and international conferences; a far cry from its original persona. I too will have to change in order to keep up. I won’t be a caregiver any more; a concept I struggle with. I will be a manager, a friend, and, I hope, a mother.