Doubt

I consider myself to be a fairly positive person; the eternal optimist.  I generally see a solution to every problem, or am convinced there is one, and see the bright-side of almost every situation.  This morning; however, I woke up with that gut clenching, nauseating, soul-destroying feeling of doubt.

Admittedly, it is a Botox week, which I hate.  I hate taking Becky for her painful injections, which happens again this Thursday.  The whole week seems to be tainted by it, as the previous memories hang over my head like vultures circling carrion.  We also had no house showings last week, and yesterday had an Open House to which two people showed up!  I’m now wondering if the house IS going to sell.  What happens if we are stuck with two mortgages for months on end?  I felt the financial pressure, and started to doubt that we were doing the right thing. 

I had Becky home sick all of last week, which was pretty limiting.  When Becky is sick, she is totally dependent.  She loses a lot of control over her muscles, and her balance is really poor.  At the same time, one of the support workers also called in sick, so I had to cover for her.  I started to worry about this sort of occurrence when Becky is on her own.  How will she manage when she is sick?  What’s going to happen when workers call in sick? (I never had sick days; I just had to carry on)  Will I have to fill in? On top of that, I miss my Mom so much.  I would be talking to her right now , telling her what was going wrong in my life, but I can’t, she isn’t there. 

So, what did I do?  While I was doing Becky’s stretches, this morning, I put on “Say Hey (I love You)” by Michael Franti and Spearhead.  It’s a really upbeat Caribbean song, that soon had Becky and I dancing with each other, shouting, “I love you, I love you, I love you!”  I realised that as long as I have Becky, everything will be alright.  I also realised how much music can affect my mood.  It’s pretty hard to be grumpy when some dance beat is making you tap your toes or jump up and down.  I love dancing; it doesn’t matter what kind.  Other songs that lift me when I’m (occasionally) down include; “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees, “Going Mobile” by The Who, and “Home for a Rest” by Spirit Of The West.

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About chebandbecky

I was born in Birmingham, England and emigrated to Canada in 1988. Becky is my daughter who was injured in a car accident. We are working towards her independence.
This entry was posted in Disability, Family, Grief, Home, Independence, Life, Music and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Doubt

  1. In light of my post today, I really appreciated your post. I certainly loved the addition of music and dancing. Music and dancing with joy certainly can elevate even the most dismal of situations. Thanks for stopping at my blog. I am better off this morning having read yours. All joy. HF

  2. chebandbecky says:

    It was weird to read that we were both feeling something similar today. Those days are tough. I’m glad my blog helped.

  3. Tom Bradley says:

    Music is the best remedy for the blues…I did a recording session with the band last night (which in itself was so much fun), and I feel so much more alive today…glad to see you’re feeling better too…

    And we just had lunch outside in 23 Celsius weather…how cool is that!?

  4. Jenifer says:

    I have been feeling the same way lately and am too missing talking to my Mum. Music had helped me through too. Thanks for making me realize I’m not alone. *hugs*

    • chebandbecky says:

      Sending a big hug right back. You’re definitely not alone. Grief doesn’t go away, it sort of changes, but it’s always there.

      I’m glad to hear that music has helped you too. 🙂

  5. Nancy says:

    That’s tough. Life can be so hard. It’s amazing how music does seem to make a difference though. For me, it’s just a matter of remembering this and turning the volume up. So glad it made a difference to your day. http://lifetakesover.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/music-is-my-life/

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